February is not too great a month for me, except that it's short!

Both my son and my mother passed away in February.  It is 19 years since my mother passed away and 13 years since my son passed on.  

I was there at both their bedsides when they passed and the memories of that are still very fresh.  

My mother's was totally sudden.  I had visited her at around 1 in the afternoon and she told me she had a back pain and to get her some medicines.  I got her the medicines, meaning to give them to her at 6 pm as I always visited then.  But I got called there at 4 and she just passed away in 15 mins.  It was such a shock.  

I was still teaching at that time.  I had planned to take her to Bangalore to visit her brother, as soon as school closed for summer vacation, which was usually towards the middle of March., and she had agreed to come.  Just two weeks before she passed, I had taken her to Cochin, whch is around 75 km from where we live, for her to do some shopping and she enjoyed it.  She was mostly on a wheelchair by then as her thigh bone had broken and though reset, caused her pain.  Even so, we had a good time.  I am glad we got to do that trip together.

She passed away around 3 months before she turned 90.  But she used to use the computer and would video call her sons in the US.  She had a chess game on her PC and she loved playing chess.  She had a blog, for which she would write out a post in a notebook, and I would type it up.  She was always interested in the world around her.  But I knew she was waiting to go.  She had talked to me about death and what it means to an individual at different points of time.  

I miss her especially when I hear the music which she love.

 It's been almost 3 years since I wrote a blog post I see.  Almost everybody, who's blogs I used to read, has stopped posting and one good blog friend --Dorothy of Dot's blog--has passed on.

But writing is good for the soul they say.  So I thought why not restart posting on the blog, especially in these crazy times.  I was a person who followed the news ,both local and World news, avidly.  But now I have become an ostrich.  I bury my head in light reading or play endless computer games to keep me away from the realities where I have no control.  I now only spend time on the immediate reality that I can control.  

I exercise too, with joy, because that is certainly something I know I can control.  I have my dogs, who give me so much love to make up for a lot of negativities.  There is music --always a great fall back to make me forget everything.

Life goes on.  I will turn 75 this year, but don't feel it too much internally. It's only my image in the mirror and my physical body which remind me that time has definitely not stopped.  Unfortunately, even at this great age, some of the inadequacies I felt about myself have, sadly, not really gone away.  I hope to deal with that.

Maybe I will try and post once a week, just to keep my brain cells moving.😀

Grief

 There have been a few deaths of people I know, in our town, in the past month.  The last was a fellow Libra, a senior colleague and a teacher of my children.  I knew her well.

When I looked at her children, somehow I remembered the passing of my own mother--which was very sudden-- and the passing away of my son.  I remember thinking, especially after my son passed away, life has to go on and all the friends and relatives go immediately back to their lives, because that is the way it is, that is what life is all about, although what went through my mind were the words of the song,       "Why does the sun go on shining, why does the sea wash the shore?  Don't they know it's the end of the world, it ended when you said goodbye".

 All of us who lose someone close, have to swim, wade, push through the grief, accepting that the sun will shine, life will go on, good things and bad will happen willy nilly and those of us left behind are still alive and will go on living.  I remember thinking I could not strum my guitar ever again.  But slowly, one laughs again, remembers the good times and then one day you know you have reached the shores of grief, no longer drowning.  The hurt of the loss gets a keloid around it, and I am living the best life I can.  Living the best life does not diminish the love for the one gone though.  Memories will always remain.  But yes the earth turns and the universe continues to exist and accepting that is the only way to get to the shoals of grief and come out on the sands of life, to walk the path ahead.

 As the days come closer to the death anniversary of my son, the images come up in my mind's eye, so sharp, though 10 years ago.  His last days in the hospital, his last visit home in January 2013, all those images are imprinted in my memory.  So many memories, if I let myself think, come crowding,  He suffered a great deal of pain in the 39 years he lived.  But he also had a lot of fun.  His tongue was his weapon.  But so much of the teasing he did of others was accepted by them because he was equally ready to laugh at any jokes anyone else made about him.  

As he was my eldest, I did expect a lot from him, and we argued a great deal.  But, as he and I grew older, we got to let go the small stuff.  

Ah well, I realise I will never stop missing him.  Hopefully his musical fun loving spirit is in a happy place.

Encounter with an owl

 The other morning I heard a big hullabaloo in the tree right outside my verandah.  It was barely 7 am.  Normally the crows are not so raucous and don't gather together so early.  Also, a couple of Rufus treepies were screeching away, not their normal whistles.  

So I went out to see.  The crows were all together on the tree just next to the house.  At first I thought it was an injured pigeon the crows were harassing.  But when I looked closely it was an owl.  It looked a light grey in colour and was fairly big.  I chased the crows away and there the owl sat looking down at me and gulping away.  We looked at each other for a long moment.   I went inside to get my phone, thinking I would photograph the owl.  Sadly, as soon as I pointed the phone, the owl flew away.  At first it looked like one of it's wings was not quite ok.  But once it had taken wing the owl righted itself, flying to the trees at a distance from the house.  soon after, there was a flash of smaller grey flying after it.  This made me wonder if it had been a mother owl with her owlet, which the crows had chased.  Seeing the owl at that time of the morning and hearing the protesting cries of the crows, must have frightened the treepies.  Hence all the noise.  

Anyway, the owl seemed grateful for the help in getting rid of her harassers.  The look that passed between us will stay with me a long time.

An iinteresting evening.

 A release of a book of poetry by an old friend of my college days, but who, later in her avatar as English teacher, taught my three children.  The book has been illustrated by an old student of hers, one of my eldest's classmates.  One of her ex-students was on the dais too, as he has become a well know script writer.  She has written poems as tributes to various people, one of whom is my eldest who passed away.

 She was a much loved teacher, who was passionate about her subject, enjoying what she taught.  She was and still is in love with her subject and is always interested in the lives of her students.  An interesting evening, with some lovely poetry reading by family members and the author herself.

6 weeks in Chicagoland

 We had a lovely 6 weeks in Chicagoland , in October, with a wedding in Colorado in between.  This is in spite of a visit from Covid and sudden, freezing cold.  

The wedding was great fun, a nephew's wedding. It is the first time I am attending a wedding in the US.  All the festivities were outdoors.  The wedding itself was unique, because, at the appointed time, just as the bridegroom was walking in, there was a downpour and a hail storm at that!  Luckily a tent had been set up for the food.  So everyone took shelter in the tent and the bar tenders kindly handed out cocktails early.  So, by the time that was over and the wedding could take place--now in bright sunshine--most guests were quite happy and not too cold.

But post the wedding, quite a few of the extended family tested positive for Covid, though everyone had it quite mild.

I had my birthday in Chicagoland with my son and family.

It was a tug to leave them and come back home.  Hopefully they can visit this year.

Up coming Trip

 We are going to be visiting the US again and I must say I am super excited!  Firstly, we haven't seen my son and family (except for his daughter, who came for a very short visit recently) for over 3 years.  Besides, one of my nephews is getting married and we will be attending the wedding.  So that gives me an opportunity to see family who I have not seen for even longer than 3 years.  I am really looking forward to the trip.  

My suitcases will shortly be retrieved from storage and I will start packing slowly, although we leave only towards the end of September.  Packing for the trip is part of the fun.

Looking forward to our trip and hoping all will go well.

 My grandchildren, now teenagers, occasionally come to stay, usually with their parents, but once in a while on their own.  

In the past 4 or 5 months I have had my older grandson, now 17 come and stay for a few days, and last weekend, he and his sister had come to stay.

Yes, the food they want is different, yes old grandpa and grandma's normal routine gets changed.  But, when they leave I'm "bluer than blue" .  Suddenly the house seems full and brings back so many memories of when my children were growing up.

I hope my grandkids will always feel welcome here and will enjoy coming by, even later on, as they grow away from their own homes and sttike out on their own.

 And so it has been 9 years since my eldest passed away.  Yesterday was his 9th death anniversary.  In the Orthodox Christian tradition prayers are said at the grave.  

Time has flown and life goes on.  My other children and I discuss how, if he was still here during this pandemic, he would have been so fearful for his family and would have been handing out instructions left right and centre on the best ways to protect oneself etc (he was paranoid about illness).  He always worried for everyone else.  But his humour kept him sane.

Missing a person who has passed never quite goes away.  It hurts physically less.  But sometimes, unexpectedly, I find myself missing him intensely.

Golden Anniversary

 It was our 50th wedding anniversary early this month.  My husband and I had decided on having a quiet anniversary with just daughters and daughter-in-law and kids.

But two of my husband's siblings decided otherwise and held a surprise dinner party for us.  Covid added a spoiler in changing the venue, but thankfully caused no other problems.

As my husband has/had 7 siblings, just his siblings and their families means a lot of people.  There was just my husband's family and my eldest brother, who spends half the year here.  But that added up to around 50 people, which included all the grandkinds ranging in age from a 1 year old to an 18 year old.  Many out-of-towner nieces and nephews very sweetly adjusted their schedules and stayed on specially for the event.  Unfortunately my youngest son and family were not able to make it from Chicago, because of the surge of Covid cases at the end of last year and the beginning of this year in the US.  We really missed them.

I had guessed that something had been planned but it was a total surprise to my husband and he was very touched by all the preparation.  There were some speeches and some singing [in our family there is no event sans some singing] and good food.  The weather was pleasant too.  So a good time was had by all.   Luckily it did not turn out to be a pandemic super spreader, for which we are truly grateful.

 So another Christmas has come and gone.  I was not as Grinchy as I am normally (yes I really am a grinch about Christmas since my children grew up and left the nest).  We had a Christmas Eve get together not usual around here, as most people are on Lent till Christmas morning and 2 out of 3 of my family were here.  But, since I am a reluctant and lazy cook, at the end of it I am totally cooked out!  I can't bring myself to do any sort of cooking for a while.

On another note, the news from all over the world seems so depressing these days, I do not want to read the newspapers.  I find I have been hiding my head  in fiction, the lighter the better, or it has to be fantasy.  But then again, one never knows how life can suddenly change, fate always working mysteriously.  So here I am hoping that 2022 would be an improvement on 2021/

I turned 70 in the first week of this month--October.  I was lucky to have a lovely birthday with those of my children who are around, at a beautiful beach side resort.  As a result of the Covid scenario, we turned out to be the only guests at the resort!  

I am truly, truly grateful to my daughter, who made me a beautiful playlist of songs, organised the stay and best of all, composed a song for me.

As I grow older I realise, often I forget the age I am, more so when I listen to music.  But at times, although the mind is raring to go, the body is not quite up to it.  I am deeply grateful for all the loving relationships I have.  I am also grateful for each day of health and for life in an area where nature is mine to appreciate and up close.  The joy of hearing birdsong, watching brilliant sunrises and sunsets, seeing the seasons change is wonderful.  

The world around me and all it's happenings do get me down.  But, now I feel I will let the youngsters change the world to fit them better.  I wish that I may make even one person happy by an action of mine, each day that I have left in this world.

 Recently my grandson came and stayed with us for around 3 weeks.  For 2 weeks the whole family was here.  But he decided to stay on for another week.  Since they are all schooling from home, and since anyway he couldn't go out to play, he figured it was better to stay on here, as there is a great deal of greenery and  space around,.  Now, he has stayed with us very often, when he was little.  But, since he turned a teenager, it has been a long while since he stayed with us by himself.  

My husband and I found ourselves thoroughly enjoying his company, when he was not studying, and since he is in high school, he has a great deal of work.  His conversation was interesting and oh. how I missed him when he went back home.  I found myself moping around as I used to when my children first went off to university.

I am so glad that he thought of staying on with us for a week.

Vaccinations

 So the vaccinations in India have been rolled out for senior citizens.  My husband and I had our first shot today.  There has been a rush to register online to get the vaccines.  Today, at the centre we went to, there were 100 people waiting for the vaccine.  But we do not have drive by vaccination centres.  Besides, they make each person wait half and hour after the shot, to know if anybody has any adverse reaction, which was reassuring for amny with allergies or other issues.

But the guidelines are that masking and hand washing have to continue.  But then I guess masking, if one as a cold is always a good idea and maybe folks will get used to putting on a mask if one has a cold.  In our state, as masking is mandatory, you rarely see anyone in  a public space without a mask.  I guess masking up will become a way of life or maybe that is just a hope.  

Anyway here is hoping that this virus will slowly become controlled.

 I had a little baby staying here with his mum and older sister.  Having a baby in the house, as well as a young child makes you wake up to the wonder of life.  For a baby everyday is a new discovery and adding to his experiences.  Watching children also made me feel the ephemeral quality of a day, minute, second!  So much happens with each new day.  

The baby's older sister at times wanted time to stand still as she felt that being small seemed to get more attention.  I am sure many people would like time to stand still.  But no, each day goes by and we move into another day, month, year and then decades pass.  

The three year old asked me if I had ever been her age and when I said I had, I could see her trying to comprehend that idea and then wrestle with the possiblity that she too might get to be as old as me!

Well, as time rushes by, I hope I can spread some love and light in someone else's life as my December comes.

 So 2020--the year of chaos and uncertainaties--is over.  As matters stand, Covid 19 is still very much around.  But at least now the silver lining to the clouds is definitely shining, what with the many vaccines being tested.  Presumably the many vaccines will bring down transmission of the virus.  Certainly hope 2021 will be a look up from last year.

Pandemic blues

As the pandemic seems to be increasing by leaps and bounds in my country and my state ( which had earlier managed to control the spread pretty well), I started getting the blues thinking about what the future holds for younger people and for economies of the world as a whole, where those already way down the income line, are suffering and will suffer the most.  I, for one, am comfortable with the idea that I may die with Covid.  But that does not make anything better for the rest of the world.
So now I work harder on keeping myself away from the blues with my ususal activities--listening to music (top on the list), exercise, reading and playing mindless computer games.  I also realise I am very lucky to have lots of fresh air and so many trees around me.  I am truly grateful for what I have.  I only pray for all my kids and grandkids and all the youngsters I know.
Stay safe everyone.

Last 13 years

I came across this blog post of mine posted in 2007.  It was a tag that Hiphop grandmom, a blogger I read frequently, had asked me to do.
When I read that list and realise too that I will now turn 70 next year, I think of what I have achieved from that and think of how much water has flowed under the bridge in those years.
The list then, and what I have managed out of that--(my achievements are in green and what I didn't achieve is in red and the in between is in yellow.)

1. Travel to South America. I love Latin music and Brazilian music particularly--what i've heard of it. (But I'm willing to take Thailand.)  South America is almost certainly out now, what with Covid-19 circling the globe and likely to remain so for another 2 to 3 years (optimistically).  But I did get to go near Thailand when my children gifted me a trip to Langkawi off the Thai coast, for my 60th birthday.
2. Hope to see the birth of at least one more grandchild, preferably more!  Have seen the birth of 4 more grandkids 😊
3. Maybe go for one spa treatment.  Did that, again a gift from the kids for a Mother's Day around 10 years back.
4. Lose around 10 kgs (ok let's get realistic here--5 kgs atleast).  I have been able to lose, since then, around 15 kgs.  (Pat myself on the back, for what I thought was totally no possible).
5. Be more active in working with under-privileged children. Yes and no.  Not good enough.
6. Learn to take negative criticism better--without feeling like I'm the most useless thing around.  Getting there.  Much better now.
7. Learn to be firm.  Not really
8. Hope to get the better of my procrastination.  I realise I procastinate depending on how important the thing I am procrastinating about is to me.

There have been many ups and downs in those years.  But I am still here, much greyer now, and the realisation that I am certainly not growing younger and now, with Covid-19 around, that life is probably never ever going to be the same again, certainly not in my lifetime.

So goes lockdown.

I was asked by a friend to keep some record for my children during this long drawn out holiday.  She is making journals for each of her three children, with photos, cards and other memorablia.  But for me, I find just cooking ( I am a slow and reluctant cook), cleaning and other household chores leave me very little time other than for my exercise--an absolute must for me and a bit of time at the computer.  So I decided I would, at least occasionally, update my blog as a record.
This time of Covid-19 is weird and mostly I try to keep worry and general gloominess out of my mind by staying in the moment during my work and, very often, by listening to music, which can be anything from oldies, to Western classical to jazz, depending on my mood.  Music really is a balm to the soul. 
If I let myself go, I worry about what the future holds for my children and grandchildren.  When will I be able to see again my son and family who live in the US?  But no, I try to push these away and try to stay in the moment--Zen.  When anybody says, 'Let's plan this or that' I say, 'Please let's just live one day at a time now.  Truly we do not know what tomorrow may bring.'  This virus has really made this clear to us that each minute is new and who knows what the next minute or hour may bring.
Peace to all and may everyone stay safe.