I just cannot believe that my mother is not there anymore. She was so mentally alive and energetic, although her body was old and tired. Like my daughter said, on going to her flat, "although Mummy was mostly in bed, her presence filled it. Now the flat is so empty."

I had visited her on Monday evening as usual and we had talked alot. She told me then that her back pain was getting as bad as the last time she had it(around 2-3 months ago) and that Sudoko was the only thing that could take her mind off it. She had recently got the cassette player repaired and had been listening to book tapes--Dick Francis--which had been her sister's. But that evening she told me that not even the tapes could distract her as much as the Sudoko. She said that she was so glad she had got a Sudoko book for Christmas from my daughter. She told me that as she couldn't solve the harder ones, she had taken to erasing the easier ones she had done and then doing them again!

The next afternoon I don't know what made me call her at 1, after returning from work, to ask how she was. I usually just go over by 5.30/6.00 p.m. She told me that she was feeling quite unwell. She asked me to come over to check her blood sugar as she hadn't checked in a while and she told me that her BP had been taken that morning and it was ok. So I went over at 3p.m. for the 2-hr-after-a-meal test. Her sugar was slightly elevated, but nothing extraordinary. But she said her back pain was bad and that she wanted pills. I went off to the family doc--who is my brother-in-law--around 4 and got back home by about 4.30. I was just in our gate when her driver called me asking to hurry there. I ran in to the house to tell my husband and then went to her flat--which is bang next door. I took one look at her face and I knew it wasn't good. I asked my husband to come fast and we called an ambulance. But before the ambulance arrived, she had passed away. It's been 4 days now, but I feel old and tired. The magic place where I could go and slip away my years, has gone.

Sorry if I have hung it all out, but i's unbelievably cathartic.

My mother passed away on Tuesday, Feb 13th around 5 p.m. and it was big, big shock. Will blog more later.

Yesterday i went with my mother to Cochin. She wanted to do some shopping and a visit or two. It was quite an expedition for her as she hasn't gone on a trip just for the heck of it for ever so long! The last time she went to Cochin was to visit the eye doctor a year back.
Well we left in the morning at around 10 a.m. We reached Cochin around 12.30, in time for lunch. My mother wanted to go someplace which would be easily navigable in a wheelchair. We hadn't taken one with us but she had a walker. I had Googled for wheelchair friendly hotels in Cochin. But the first place we went to didn't look too comfortable. So we headed to Bharath Tourist Home, old faithful. My mother hadn't been recently and was really worried, especially about the loos. Well, let me tell you, we were very impressed with the new look BTH. There were ramps everywhere, the loos were geared to disabled people and there was even a wheelchair! After that experience my mum was ready to take on Cochin.
I think she had a fairly good time, thought her energy flagged by about 3.30p.m (after all, at home most of the day she's just lying down!).
But today when I asked how she's feeling, she said she was fine. A good thing I don't anticipate bad things happening, or else I would have been too scared to take the responsibility of taking her & she would have missed her day out.

Another tag

I had been tagged by Shari quite a few days back. As usual writing about me brought on writer’s block :( Anyway, here goes:-

The tag was about my style………………………….

1.Style in terms of appearance can be defined by practicality and comfort. So I have curly greying hair cropped short (dyeing and/or straightening all require too much maintenance!), wear glasses with scratch-proof lenses, and dress mostly in cotton handlooms or khadi. As for footwear, it used be one comfortable pair all the time. But after getting a dress-designer daughter-in-law, I atleast try to match my footwear to my outfit occasionally (i.e. black or brown)!

2.Style in the home interior—again practicality is the operative word. As I have dogs who are very much a part of the household, the house is geared for that. The lines of furniture are very simple too, as I hate fussiness in anything. But I’m a very laid-back housekeeper.

3.I thought with this should go the style of the food served at the house. Again practicality and no-fuss rule. So the food we have is down-to-earth; will keep body and soul together. My aesthetically inclined younger son used to occasionally get really irritated about the lack of colour co-ordination in my food—he’s a great cook and takes the trouble to do that.

4.Lastly my style in terms of my relationships………………….here the operative words are easy-going, peaceful (at any cost) and private. [So any hells I go through, I do it alone.] I am very uncomfortable with confrontation, so will do anything to avoid it. I have always tried to make my house a haven of peace for my family and their friends. I don’t know how successful I have been though—especially where my sons are concerned. I guess it’s up to all those who come here to say if that’s true or not!

I hope I have answered your tag ok Shari. I don’t want to tag anybody, but would eve’s lungs, beks, technomalayali and Dot like to do this tag, if you haven’t already done it?

Peaceful easy feeling.

It's 3 p.m. Am sitting at my computer which is just beside the open window. Outside lie the 'woods', consisting of rubber trees, coconut palms, and teak and jackfruit trees. Through the trees a gentle breeze wafts in, cooler than expected. The floor of the woods are covered with dry leaves--it's the shedding season here now--and rustles with the slightest movement. A little while ago a small monitor lizard ran really fast through the leaves and up the nearest coconut palm. The birds all seem to be having their noon siesta. the occasional squirrel runs through. Brazilian jazz plays on the internet radio. Blissful!
Incidentally, my mother's much better. The doctors told her it's just vertigo. So she and I are planning on going shopping to Cochin on Saturday. She told me that someone told her that as long as she is alive, she ought to live fully. Way to go!!!! I totally agree I told her. So here's to our trip to Cochin. Hope we'll be able to to do Bangalore in April.

mortality

My mother's blood pressure has been going up and down. I have talked to various docs and they say it's vertigo. Her Bp also tends to go up when she's upset or worried and there have been a couple of things worrying her recently. But what really worried me was when a doctor cousin said that it may also be due to a carotid artery block/narrowing. Suddenly my mother's mortality became a reality.
My mother has been the bedrock of the family and all of us, sons and daughters, although all over 50, still see my mum in that way. The thought of her not being there one day became very real. I told myself that I would have to accept the fact that one day she wouldn't be there. Of course I had theoretically thought about it, but this time the thoughts were more than theory. It really shook me.
This made me think of mortality in general..... the fact that my mother would almost definitely not be there when my grandson goes to college, .....that I would not be there most probably to see K's grandchildren. That reminded me of the beautiful words of Kahlil Gibran from his poem on children:

"You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams."

The poem goes on to say

'For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.'

The memory of th poem eased my mind and I returned to my favourite position-- 'I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.'

A drink of water

This morning, while I was waiting to go to school 2 (9.30a.m), a squirrel came scampering up near me and, to my surprise, ran in front of me. He must have been just about 2 ft in front. I froze so as not to upset him and watched where he was going. He ran up a little wall near where I was. Then I realized it was water he wanted. I have put something like a birdbath on a slightly higher patch of ground. He headed straight for this and as I watched, he bent over the rim, balancing himself with one paw, and drank water. When he'd had his fill, he wiped his muzzle on the rim, licked his wet paw and went on his way.
It only made my wish for a camera phone even stronger!