I just cannot believe that my mother is not there anymore. She was so mentally alive and energetic, although her body was old and tired. Like my daughter said, on going to her flat, "although Mummy was mostly in bed, her presence filled it. Now the flat is so empty."
I had visited her on Monday evening as usual and we had talked alot. She told me then that her back pain was getting as bad as the last time she had it(around 2-3 months ago) and that Sudoko was the only thing that could take her mind off it. She had recently got the cassette player repaired and had been listening to book tapes--Dick Francis--which had been her sister's. But that evening she told me that not even the tapes could distract her as much as the Sudoko. She said that she was so glad she had got a Sudoko book for Christmas from my daughter. She told me that as she couldn't solve the harder ones, she had taken to erasing the easier ones she had done and then doing them again!
The next afternoon I don't know what made me call her at 1, after returning from work, to ask how she was. I usually just go over by 5.30/6.00 p.m. She told me that she was feeling quite unwell. She asked me to come over to check her blood sugar as she hadn't checked in a while and she told me that her BP had been taken that morning and it was ok. So I went over at 3p.m. for the 2-hr-after-a-meal test. Her sugar was slightly elevated, but nothing extraordinary. But she said her back pain was bad and that she wanted pills. I went off to the family doc--who is my brother-in-law--around 4 and got back home by about 4.30. I was just in our gate when her driver called me asking to hurry there. I ran in to the house to tell my husband and then went to her flat--which is bang next door. I took one look at her face and I knew it wasn't good. I asked my husband to come fast and we called an ambulance. But before the ambulance arrived, she had passed away. It's been 4 days now, but I feel old and tired. The magic place where I could go and slip away my years, has gone.
Sorry if I have hung it all out, but i's unbelievably cathartic.
I honestly don't think you can ever be old enough that losing your mother doesn't hurt terribly, and I think when you are a mother yourself, it's magnified, because you realize this person who loved you in this incredible way you couldn't even begin to imagine until you were a mother yourself, loving a child the same way... Well to know that person who felt that love for you is gone - it's just beyond devastating. And in the same way it's impossible to understand how intense it is to love as a mother - it just can't be put into adequate words - it's equally impossible to put into words hoe devastating this loss of a mother is. So there's no way to begin to understand the impact until you are in the midst of it. And that's where you are, and I am so sorry, but this I promise you: it will not go away completely, this sharp, raw pain, but it will become bearable, like an ache, though it takes some time.
ReplyDeleteTake comfort wherever you find it in the days to come. I've thought of you often in the last few days.
Peace be with you,
Lucy
I just stumbled across your blog and read this post. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your mother. Take your time. Remember.
ReplyDeleteamma i tried calling you yesterday. but you didn't pick up. are you doing ok? i remember what you said about the river only flowing downwards - that the love that a parent feels for his/her child is never really reciprocated by the child. well the fact that you miss mummy so much should go a long way to show you how much i love and appreciate you....the river does flow both ways.....i miss mummy too...but there's no denying that she really lived well and was fully "alive" till 15 minutes before she died. considering that everyone has to die sometime, she made the most of her life while she was here, helped and touched a lot of people's lives in ways she probably didn't even imagine, and died just the way she would have wanted to. there's got to be some comfort (although it may minor) in that. "Hugs"
ReplyDeleteSusan
ReplyDeleteI remember my mother asked me some time after my wedding, my mom asked me, "Do you love your husband more than you love me" And before I could respond, she said "Don't answer the question. The river always flows downwards...". I am surprised that you said the same thing. But I agree with lawyeramma on this point - its both ways.
Like I said before, your mother "lived" every moment of her life. Words, I know are poor comforters, but I would like to say that I do remember you in this moment of sorrow. Do relive your memories of your mom through this blog. It will make you feel better. Thanks for posting the pic.
Geeta
Susan
ReplyDeleteI remember my mother asked me some time after my wedding, my mom asked me, "Do you love your husband more than you love me" And before I could respond, she said "Don't answer the question. The river always flows downwards...". I am surprised that you said the same thing. But I agree with lawyeramma on this point - its both ways.
Like I said before, your mother "lived" every moment of her life. Words, I know are poor comforters, but I would like to say that I do remember you in this moment of sorrow. Do relive your memories of your mom through this blog. It will make you feel better. Thanks for posting the pic.
Geeta
Dear Hill grandmom,
ReplyDeleteHugs and more hugs.
Thanks all. Words are comforting.
ReplyDeleteLawyeramma dearie, thanks so much.
Oh, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Hold on to your memories.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you today. Take care of yourself.
I am sorry to hear about your loss. May you find some peace.
ReplyDeleteIf writing about your Mom and how much you miss her helps you to handle the hurt even a little easier, then keep writing. Do whatever helps. Your daughter , Lawyeramma, wrote such a wonderful caring comment. She is smart beyond her years in her great understanding.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you and the family. I loved seeing the picture of your Mom and Dad together. I am sure that picture brings back some good memories of when they were together. Sending more Hugs to you.
My thoughts are with you. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, but I'm glad to hear of the love that you shared with your mum. Take care. XXXX
ReplyDelete