21 May 2010

A couple of conversations I had today --about certain unbloggable stuff--made me realise, how easy it is to hurt a person with words and how deep such wounds can be and how some people can then say, 'I didn't mean it like that, I said it in the heat of the moment' and think that, by saying these words, the scar from the words should be erased *pouf* gone! Wounding words especially leave a much deeper scar, when said to people close to you and most of all I think to children, especially one's own children, while they are little and even, I think, when said children are adults. I do think that the sayer of the nasty words, by sincerely apologising and by admitting that it was hurtful of them to have said what they did, can probably assuage the hurt a little, but can't completely heal, unless a great deal of effort is made by the person who was hurt.
I also feel that often, it may be easier to be hurtful, lash out, when one is hurt or worried, rather than take the time to think of the consequences of just spilling out the words in their heads! I think too--sadly--that it is much easier to put ourselves into the shoes of friends, colleagues, anyone outside family, and so contain wounding words, than we do to family members; probably the reason why, for many, it is easier to maintain friendships than to maintain good family relationships. To put oneself into one's child's shoes, is I think the most difficult, especially when they are little; because all parents know they know more than the child and they feel they are acting/saying/doing what is best for/protecting/ the child and/or bringing up the best child around. I do think the world would be a better place if more people paid attention to these words by Kahlil Gibran

Your Children are not Your Children

They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

words which are embedded deep inside me.
Maybe if we tried more often, to treat family members as we would our friends, maybe family relationships would become better!


  1. Oh Sue this is so poignant but so true . I have seen family relationships crumble because blood at times has flowed thinner than water .

  2. Anonymous8:40 PM

    Susan aunty,
    Delurking... Loved this post. One of the reasons I get intimidated by the thought of having children is this. What if I say something nasty to them in the 'heat of the moment' and scar them for life ? I'd hate that.. And yes, its so easy to vent to family and be nasty and then expect them forgive you when you say sorry.. but then again, that's why they're family... ?
    - girl you met at the engagement dinner :)

  3. Dear anonymous, thanks for delurking :-) And with just one something nasty you can't really scar them, especially if you are genuinely sorry afterwords.

  4. Beautiful post and thanks for the Gibran reference. Your words are so true and so often ignored by parents and others lashing out at loved ones.

    Thanks for writing this.

  5. This is so true and harsh words once said can never be taken back.If only we would learn not to say hurtful things to each other without thinking.

  6. *sigh* I've been stressed about several things lately and I've been so short-tempered with the kids. My dad always had a quick temper growing up and I would hate to raise my kids like that. I think a sincere apology from the heart is the way to go. We've all been there.

  7. susymama...its sooo true ...
    this is bonnie here... u have been meeting so many people at engagements and weddings huh...hehehe...

  8. Sue, I think you are absolutely correct! I am very careful about offending other people (umm..not so much on my blog of course!) but with family it is so much easier to offend, especially the children. Occasionally, I know I've said something rash "in the heat of the moment" to the kids (usually when I'm tired and edgy) but I do try to apologise asap if the I was wrong. I hope the little lads won't look too unkindly on me when I'm older. (I've still got my will to bargain with anyway!)

    I do, however, don't have a lot of understanding about why some families fall out so much - I come from a very placid family. I can only rememember my parents having one row - they were pretty much unheard of in my home. Having said that, I've tried my very best to argue with Mr T at times - but it just doesn't work; the man just cannot be ignited!!

  9. Jane, thumbs up to Mr T!
    I think my children will say that their home is fairly placid (I hope) :-)
    To all of you--the strange thing I find is how difficult it is for people to give a heartfelt apology and admit they were wrong.


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