04 June 2006

An ideal.

I came across this post about perfection on Make the most of U. After I read that, I’ve been thinking about perfectionism and related topics. I realised that I was not a perfectionist. I’m not one of those who want everything I do to be perfect. Mostly, I just want to get things done.

But being ideal is another thing. I found that I had wanted to be the ideal mother, the ideal wife. I am most definitely not the ideal wife. I found it required too much of me trying to be someone I wasn’t. I also painfully realised I could never be the ideal mother either. I hated myself for that for a long time. It’s only fairly recently that I have started realising that for one there is no ideal mother. Believe me, it was a big wrench giving up the idea of being the ideal mother. But I think because of that I have started forgiving myself—not completely, never completely—but on the road, for being a human being!! In this context, I used to love Erma Bombeck’s column in American magazines—when we came across them and I have read a couple of her books. Wish I could lay hands on more of her books here. But I still can’t help hoping my children would have forgiven me for the mistakes I did make!! (Proves the picture of ideal motherhood still resides in a corner of my mind)

9 comments:

Dotm said...

I remember watching all the family programs on TV over the years and while we wish our homes ran that smooth, it isn`t how normal families live. I remember thinking life got easier with each next child. We have to learn from scratch with the first one and it seems like each child teaches something more. We all make mistakes, but I feel lucky when I hear my kids saying they were glad I was their mother. I think the smiles start when we see our grown kids teaching their kids what we taught them. Best smiles come when our kids are telling their kids the same things they sometimes got mad at us for. Then is when you know they finally do realize we did things for their own good.

Esbee said...

I never realized how fabulous my mother really was, and how hard she worked, until I was a mother myself. Was she perfect? Goodness, no. But she was perfect for me.

hillgrandmom said...

Thanks for the reassurances esbee and Dot.

starry nights said...

Beautiful post. It is true I dont think there is an ideal mother. we do the best we can sometimes learn from our mistakes as we go along. There are no step by step manuals to follow on how a mother should be. Even I look back sometimes at the mistakes I have made and wonder if I am doing a good job raising my children. As for your children forgiving you, I am sure they do because we are Human like the rest and can make mistakes.

hillgrandmom said...

You know 'Starry Nights', sometimes it's very difficult for children to see their parents as fallible human beings! But that's one thing I have kept on telling my children, that I am only human.

Immigrant in Canada said...

When I read your post i was thinking of my own mother.. how much she struggled to raise us..then I felt sorry for her.. then I remembered all the times she wasn't there for me..Somehow..it just doesn't balance..Much as I admire her courage for standing strong when Appa left, as much she cursed us, swore at us, called us names and wrecked our life.. Only my youngest sister escaped her torture.. tht too because we were older and could protect her.. I know she is only a human.. but she was a mean human and manipulative mother...I am a mother of three kids, I don't try to be a perfect mother.. but i do try to be the best i can.. that would be to be there when my kids needs me.

icancarryallthebagsandthebabiestoo said...

A very wise friend of mine once told me that if you love your children as much as you can and your actions reflect that love all of the time than you are a wonderful parent.

When I feel myself faltering and struggling or I feel as though I am not good enough, I ask how much I love my children and I ask myself if my actions reflect this love.

It has gotten me through some very hard struggles.

I don't worry too much about my marriage becuase my marriage can accept appologies, but my children should never have to.

hillgrandmom said...

I know that one's children whould never have to accept apologies. But in spite of muy love for my children--and frankly speaking they were the centre of my life , when they needed to be. But I still made some mistakes I know. I also feel very guilty when I feel my sons aren't being caring enough to their wives--all mistakes I made I feel!

mrhaney said...

my wife has been trying to be an ideal mother ever since she had ur first child. you can only do the best you can and no more. being a good mother depends on a lot of factors and some of them a woman has no control over. one is the way you have been treated when you were growing up. also is what you have been through in your life. it is the hardest job there is. mothers also get the blame for every thing and any thing that happens in the family by the children. i think that is because mothers are more involved with the children than fathers are. a lot of fathers, me included, try to lay back and not get so involved. some times i think they do this just because they are men and other times i think they do it because they know their wife will step in and do whatever is needed and they do, time and time again. all i can say is, thank GOD for mothers.