Two years have passed since my son passed away. In the beginning you think you can never laugh again, that you can never do any of the things that you associated with him. I thought I would not be able to ever sing again because music was so associated with him.
But now, we --the family--laugh again and we sing and we laugh remembering the things my son said (he was a great one for making people laugh). I teach singing, and so I sing everyday, though not his kind of music.
Because of the wonders of technology, I can still hear his voice and see him talking on the the videos that are out there on youtube. We have many pictures of him, framed and on the computer, which I can now look at without flinching.
BUT-I cannot yet bear to look at his videos; my heart tugs hard, when I hear the songs that he loved and sang and played most; when I think of things that I long to share with him; and eyes well up at the most unexpected things, like just now reading about composer George Gershwin and seeing that he too died when he was in his late 30s.
Time is a wonderful medicine for dulling pain. One day, in a few years, I will probably be able to look at his videos. Life goes on and we go on willy nilly down the river of life. So, most of the time I'm smiling and doing what I can so that my life has order and is not all over the place. I will live life the best way I can with this reality. I know I am not unique in my pain and I just want to share this with those who have had the pain.