05 September 2009

Thoughts from a sleepless night

I stay up and read a murder mystery to know the ending and then think I'll check my mail and realise it's early morning and it's afternoon half-way across the world at my home and that this time next week I'll be in Chennai and getting ready to leave by the night train to go back home. 
It seems so long since I left home.  And in the dark as it happens so often, I feel disembodied, detached, and wonder do I justify my existence.Do all sentient beings feel the need to justify their existence?  What use am I in the scheme of things?  And i think of the lines from the poem (never can remember which one, certainly not at this time of the night) 'They also serve who only stand and and wait', which I often use to justify to myself my existence and I think of Agatha Christie's novels and a thought that runs through many of them, that sometimes a person's whole existence maybe only for the moment when his or her presence alone can change the course of somebody else's life.  And I try to see if there was a tapestry of life on the hill or of the life of my family am I there and what colours would the silks that portray my life be.  And I know I am there--muted shades of blue and green--background shades. 
But that is for the daylight.  Now, in the early dawn darkness, I am only words.

4 comments:

3inone said...

:) It is so nice to know I have company, lying awake at night, asking myself questions which have no answers. And so lovely to see a post from you, which as usual, is simple but makes me think. I love your blog, hgm.

hillgrandmom said...

Thanks for the lovely compliment 3inone!

Hip Grandma said...

Back in India?Now that you have time do share with us your american experience and new abt your g'daughter.BTW isn't your grandson going green with envy?after all he was the star all this while.May be he isn't.The new comer is a cousin and that makes it more acceptable.

Jane Turley said...

What a touching piece of writing - you captured so well some of those feeling that appear in the dead of night. I am a very restless sleeper and I try to distract myself with reading and writing or just surfing the net...but it's true; feelings seem amplified in the night. I often just lie awake thinking...and thinking...and thinking...and usually never any answers:)

You know I don't think I've ever read Agatha Christie (or can't remember if I have!) but that's an interesting observation you make a the effect a momentary presence might have on our lives. (Totally unlike Dickens who has all the characters plotted endlessly) But I think it's very true - sometimes just a chance meeting with someone can have a very big impact. I rather like that idea. Maybe I should read Agatha after all:)

I hope all is well Sue and I look forward to reading an update on your travels. Somehow I think they will be a little more meaningful than mine;)