19 February 2008

My last post about feeling dead inside got me a letter from blog friend Sarah. In her letter she says its ok to feel unhappy too (which then made me cry some more). But it also made me think. For me personally, I have always found it rather hard to acknowledge and accept negative feelings--like anger and sadness--as ok.
Way back when my children were growing up, when my elder son started having physical problems and doctor's visits were the norm for so many holidays for us, I learned to damp down sad thoughts, worries, etc because I felt I had to be strong for him. I didn't want my children to see me have a meltdown--the one on whom they relied to keep their world stable. For me helping my son to become an independent, well-rounded personality, in spite of his disability, was very important and somehow being swamped with sadness always made it difficult for me to treat him like any other child. Besides, I feel children are uncanny in being able to pick up feelings from their parents. So I learned to keep out the emotions and only stay in the reality of the moment. As a good friend used to say, "You swallow everything, go to the toilet and pull the flush"[:)]
Along with my son's problems, we had to deal with the illness and subsequent passing of first a younger sister-in-law, then my father-in-law and then my mother-in-law, all due to different forms of malignancies. In all this I felt I had to be the strong one (and I guess to some extent I am accepted as the strong one in our large extended family), which required rigid control of my emotions. Now, after having been the strong one in ever so long, I find it difficult to lean on anyone, to allow myself to be vulnerable to the people around me. I can only let it out in the written word. So all my blog friends, please bear with me when I angst, because you are the friends with whom I feel I don't have to be the strong one.

6 comments:

ONEDIA said...

I have a strong and abundant shoulder and a willing ear so please blog, facebook, or send and email and I will be there for you.

Moanna said...

Even strong people cry. Sending hugs.

Geets said...

hugs, dear suze, take care...hakuna matata

Mint Chutney said...

Blog shoulders are big and they are there for you without any judgement.

Thinking of you...

eve's lungs said...

Hugs :) Women are so resilient and absorbent ( what a terrible word - like tissue or something ) that even those closest to them resent moments of weakness like anger or tears or weakness .Therefore when this strong wall threatens to crumble its hard to take . So bear up dear friend.

La delirante said...

Another blogger once also told me the same, that it is OK to feel sad or to have negative thoughts from time to time. That made me feel better too because it made me realize that it is impossible to be happy all the time. Life has ups and downs.

In fact, as you could see, today's post (my blog) was not very positive :) and I thought more than twice before publishing it but then I thought again that my life is not only about hapiness, but not so nice things happen in my life too and I decided to share some of those anxieties with my blog buddies :) and it feels great! You sent me hugs! and that made me feel better already!

Should you wish to send me an e-mail to share things, don't hesitate to do so. My e-mail is in my profile.

Hugs!