18 February 2008

I feel tired and dispirited. I know that I have so many things to be thankful for. But somehow I can't drive away the feelings. I realise I am just drifting along, doing nothing really worthwhile, and nothing that makes me feel like the day is an adventure. I flog myself to keep going, to stay in the moment so that I can carry on doing what I must do. The lack of feeling inside sweeps through me now and then, though I try hard to keep it at bay. So often I wonder why I'm alive. Then the analytical, intellectual part of me takes over--the one who learnt all the counselling and has read so much about all that--and tells myself about the worthwhile things I'm doing. But it still doesn't cut into the heart of me. Of course I must be thankful that the deadness inside of me is no longer as bad as it used to be some years back. But when the feeling sweeps through once in a while, it just makes me want to be not alive any more.
Nobody really writes about things like this on their blog. I also realise that my blog is boring because I feel dead inside and so cannot bring any passion into my writing. Maybe I shouldn't blog again till I can feel some passion.

4 comments:

  1. Perhaps nobody blogs about this, but it doesn't mean you're the only one who feels it. And I don't find it boring at all. On the contrary, I find it very, very human.

    Peace. :)

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  2. I agree with esbee. Keep on writing. Sending you hope for a better day tomorrow.

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  3. I was telling a friend the other day that it's mostly the happy highs of life that are put up on blogs & facebook, which creates this sunny persona online but really that life is a combination of the down in betweens that may not get talked about.
    Here is to your very real post, hillgrandmom.
    Sending you prayers and hugs,

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  4. Sue everyone goes through these phases - its not just you . The fact that you're letting it out in your blog is a form of catharsis

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