18 February 2008

I feel tired and dispirited. I know that I have so many things to be thankful for. But somehow I can't drive away the feelings. I realise I am just drifting along, doing nothing really worthwhile, and nothing that makes me feel like the day is an adventure. I flog myself to keep going, to stay in the moment so that I can carry on doing what I must do. The lack of feeling inside sweeps through me now and then, though I try hard to keep it at bay. So often I wonder why I'm alive. Then the analytical, intellectual part of me takes over--the one who learnt all the counselling and has read so much about all that--and tells myself about the worthwhile things I'm doing. But it still doesn't cut into the heart of me. Of course I must be thankful that the deadness inside of me is no longer as bad as it used to be some years back. But when the feeling sweeps through once in a while, it just makes me want to be not alive any more.
Nobody really writes about things like this on their blog. I also realise that my blog is boring because I feel dead inside and so cannot bring any passion into my writing. Maybe I shouldn't blog again till I can feel some passion.

5 comments:

Esbee said...

Perhaps nobody blogs about this, but it doesn't mean you're the only one who feels it. And I don't find it boring at all. On the contrary, I find it very, very human.

Peace. :)

Moanna said...

I agree with esbee. Keep on writing. Sending you hope for a better day tomorrow.

ONEDIA said...

I have down times as well Sue and I would miss you so much if you don't blog. Just write us a few lines as often as you can so we can. Feel free to tell us what you need to say. We will be here reading and responding.

Me said...

I was telling a friend the other day that it's mostly the happy highs of life that are put up on blogs & facebook, which creates this sunny persona online but really that life is a combination of the down in betweens that may not get talked about.
Here is to your very real post, hillgrandmom.
Sending you prayers and hugs,

eve's lungs said...

Sue everyone goes through these phases - its not just you . The fact that you're letting it out in your blog is a form of catharsis